Ottawa Sun, June 13, 1999
Spanking speech gives goofy gripe
By Earl McRae
Things must really be slow down at the Ottawa-Carleton Children's Aid Society.
The bleeding-heart, self-proclaimed, kiddie experts want you charged with a crime if you spank your kid when your kid deserves a spanking.
Better, preaches the society, to deprive the little dumpling of a privilege.
Nice to know the reason the geniuses at the CAS who want you branded a criminal for spanking your kid are so well-balanced and rational is because, as kids, they never got spanked by mommy or daddy; otherwise, like all adults who got spanked by mommy or daddy as kids, they'd not be working for the Children's Aid Society, but the Canadian penal system busting rocks and making mailbags.
After all, that's what getting spanked by your criminal parents does: Turns the kid into a rotten, no-good adult bent on a life of assault, robbery, rape, and murder.
Of course, if little sugar cake didn't get his butt whacked by his parents every time he told them "Drop dead, I'll do as I please, you can't stop me," he'd indubitably grow up to become a paragon of human perfection, a model citizen, undoubtedly qualified for a job at the Children's Aid Society where he'd immediately become a world authority on parenting as opposed to you who -- because you might have spanked your kid, once, twice, or more -- are a know-nothing, ignorant, criminal savage.
So, remember: The next time you're in the supermarket and see mommy or daddy give little rose petal a good couple of whacks on the rear end for refusing to stop tossing the eggs around the aisles, make sure you dial 911 on your cell phone and have the cops come and arrest these psychopathic, horrid parents.
But, don't stop there -- with little puddin' and pie having been then taken away from the criminals raising him, phone the Children's Aid Society and arrange to adopt him.
I'm sure he'd be delighted to be in a home where, after he throws his boot through the TV screen because he doesn't want to go to bed, you'll say to him sweetly:
"Now, now, precious snookums, that's the fourth time this week you've done that and we've looked the other way; one more, darling, and mommy and daddy, as painful as it is for us, will have to deny you your granola bar in your school lunch bag tomorrow."
Oooh, the dread of it. The prospect of three or four whacks across the bare, fleshy bum and being sent to his room is nothing compared to the terrifying prospect of losing that granola bar -- especially if the kids at school who share their granola bars have run out. Even better, he won't have to phone the cops to have his parents arrested and charged with beating up his bum; only -- should he choose -- arrested and charged with depriving him the necessities of life.
Emotional abuse, you know. Cruel and unusual punishment.
Lawyer: "Your Honour, the reason my client stands before you charged with depriving his son the necessities of life -- in this case his granola bar -- is that when he, himself, was eight years old he was permanently traumatized by the act of his own parents, as punishment for him throwing rocks through the school windows, taking away, for two days, his right to stay up until 4 a.m. every morning. He could only stay up until 3."
Judge: "How did he react to the, uh, punishment?"
Lawyer: "Set fire to the family car, your Honour."
Judge: "At which time his parents, I hope, gave him a good licking across the ass?"
Lawyer: "No, your honour, they took away his right, for three days, to stay up until 3. He could only stay up until 2."
Yes, it's truly shocking to learn from the Children's Aid Society that all the millions of upstanding, decent, caring, and loving parents across this country who spank their kids the way they were once spanked as kids are a bunch of common criminals who should be arrested and charged.
The interim executive director of the CAS is one Len Kennedy, and he pontificates that the purpose behind the criminalization of spanking is NOT to burden the courtrooms with, get this, trivial cases, but he doesn't define trivial in the case of spanking.
Here's trivial, Len Kennedy: Your society's goofy blatherings on the criminalization of spanking.