Q: My boyfriend of four years, "Harold," and I are starting to discuss marriage and starting a family. I am hesitant because of one thing: We have very different views about disciplining children.
My parents never used violence as a form of punishment, and I don't want to use it to discipline my kids. I think other methods of discipline work just as well, without destroying the bond between parent and child.
When Harold was young, his father would discipline the kids by hitting them with a belt. Harold sees nothing wrong with this, although the only argument seems to be, "I turned out OK."
This is only partially true. Both Harold and his brother have big anger management issues.
I love him and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but this is a major issue for me. Do you think this marriage would work, and are there any good compromises we could agree on?
NONVIOLENT in St. Louis
Dear Non violent:
A: Your boyfriend may believe he has turned out OK, but the fact that he has anger management problems proves he didn't. Before any decisions about marriage are made, Harold should get professional help to get to the root of his problems, which are likely the result of his father's abuse.
You and Harold should enroll in classes on child development and parenting. Some hospitals, high schools and community colleges offer them. Unless the two of you can reach a firm agreement on this subject, you should not marry. The marriage would last only until he raised a hand or a belt to you or your little one — and then it would be history, and rightly so. Children respond far better to praise than to punishment. The only thing that hitting a child proves is that violence is acceptable.
DEAR ABBY P.O. Box 69440 Los Angeles, CA 90069
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